I haven't been the best blogger lately. I have been too busy, too tired, in a funk, out of town... the list goes on and on. But I am back at it today and I am trying to figure out where to start.
I guess we should start with "the funk..."
Somehow, during the past six or eight weeks, I have had some very morbid thoughts creeping into my head. I have thought that perhaps I am not going to survive this experience. I have been almost resigned to the fact that my breast cancer is going to come back and I won't make it.
This is no way to live life. I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment but I just couldn't seem to do it on my own.
I finally started to pull out of my funk yesterday after I watched this episode on the Oprah Winfrey Network. My sister recommended it to me and it was a real life saver. (Thanks, P!) It is a conversation with author Michael Singer who talks about separating the voice in your head from the real you. What an eye opening conversation! If you are struggling with negative thoughts, constant worry or just need a little jolt of positivity, check out this episode.
I will keep this post brief... but more to come!
Oh how I know that funk! Every ache or twinge is cause for more thoughts of cancer returning or spreading. I will try and watch this later when I have a moment to myself (easier said than done in a house with four children). On a brighter note I had my first annual check-up and mammogram results were clear and I am now on 6 monthly check-ups. That feels like progress to me. I managed to bump in to three of my cancer buddies in the next couple of hours after that appointment and we all shared our latest woes about weight gain, comfortable bras and hot flushes! It's so nice to know you are not alone on the journey and that's why I enjoy your blog so much. Onwards and upwards I say! CathReplyDelete
Ugh - it can be so trying at times to separate fear from just living and enjoying life. Sometimes I think I have several voices in my head (well, not really, just conflicting emotions) and they each become stronger at different times. I think a lot of people from my online community feel this way, and we're not alone in the experience of negative thougths. Time is a great healer, and realizing that the worried voice isn't helping anything. Good luck with moving away from that - one day at a time, eh? And cheers to the good days too. :)ReplyDelete
I will have to come back and check out the video when I am not on my cell phone in a waiting room. Honestly, I thinks this funk and phase of morbidity is a normal part of reassessing life after cancer. I too am working on being more positive. Working on it...ReplyDelete
I just wanted to send you a quick note to thank you for your blog. We are so similar in our thinking that I really appreciate reading what you are going through! I am 6 months behind you (diagnosed Jan 2012, 2 weeks before my 40th) and have almost the same diagnosis although I opted for a bi-lateral mastectomy. I am very much trying to figure out what I do from here and how do I stop drinking so much wine and get healthy. Keep blogging!
Hi Jennifer, it sure is hard to stay out of the funky part of town. I just say "welcome to my roller coaster ride". Well, I just picked up my 5 year pills today .... Anastrozole (Arimdex). I'm HER2 positive. Still doing my Herceptin drip. I really need to adjust my menu and get busy with getting fit! I don't have a support group of b.c. women, but I do try to follow the blogs of all the courageous women. So, I'll catch your updates and keep you in prayer. www.livinginthemoment-carol.blogspot.comReplyDelete
Spooky - I've been going through a morbid phase like this too. Am feeling quite relieved it's not just me! Given we were diagnosed at the same time, maybe this is just a typical progression?? Must watch that episode...ReplyDelete