I am coming up on chemo #5 and I have already started thinking about what's next. Obviously, I have chemo #6 to get through (the last round!) and then I will have at least six weeks of radiation.
But I feel like the end is in sight. It is so close... I can almost touch it. But I can't quite get my fingers on it.
I want my life back. I want my body back. I want to feel good again and have hair. I am finding my days consumed with wondering about "What's Next" and how do I get there?
I have gained about 20 lbs. since I was diagnosed. A combination of chemo drugs that encourage fluid retention combined with a raging desire to eat comfort food has resulted in my Michelin Man appearance. I hate it.
One of the women at work who is a 14 year survivor told me that she gained about 50 lbs. and needed to go to Weight Watchers to get the weight off and it took her years. Yes, YEARS. I don't want that to be me. I have a 30 year high school reunion coming up in June 2012. I want to look good and feel good for the event. Perhaps I am being unrealistic. I just don't know.
And then I wonder about my next mammogram. I had a chest CT scan a couple of weeks ago when I was having difficulty breathing. The scan came back clear but guess what the nurse told me? She said they saw "a lot of cysts" in your breast tissue.
No shit. I have dense breasts and lots of cysts. That's me. But the thought of one of those cysts being anything but benign has me worried. I can't stand the thought of going in for my next mammogram and have them do a needle biopsy and say: "It's malignant." What then? A bi-lateral mastectomy? Another lumpectomy and six months of chemo and no hair. Shit.
Truth be told --- this is where I'm at. I am so ready to put this behind me but part of me worries that I won't be able to. I am crazy for worrying about something that hasn't happened. I get that. But it's hard. Once you've had the "Big C" diagnosis, it is really hard not to worry about the what ifs.
Other than that - I'm great. I feel really good and am enjoying my fall in Virginia. The leaves are turning and the weather is gorgeous. I love this time of year here.
All for now...