Day 1138 of 1825 - Three Years Down, Two To Go

I had my six month check up with my oncologist today and thought it was about time to update my blog. I just looked at the date of my last post. It's been exactly one year since I last posted anything here. I guess this update is long overdue.

First things first... I'm feeling good and got another "all clear" from my doctor today. Of course, there's really note much she can tell just by talking to me. She asks me all the usual questions related to possible metastasis:

• Any shortness of breath or trouble breathing?
• Any bone pain that you can't explain?
• Any headaches?

No, no and no. So I am given an all clear. The really stress-filled appointment comes in January with my annual mammogram. Until then, I do my best to put cancer in the rearview mirror for another six months.

A few things have changed since my blog post from last year. First, I was promoted and my company relocated us to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It's a great opportunity for me, and my husband and I are both looking forward to starting a new chapter of our lives in a new city. I am hoping I won't need to get to know any of the oncologists in the area!

Last winter I decided to close my yoga studio. It was just too much work and stress to run a business while working in a demanding career. So I closed the doors on March 31, 2015 and never looked back. It was definitely the right decision for me. My spirit feels so much lighter, and I have much less stress now that I only need to focus on one job - the one that pays the bills!

I have lost a little weight. I'm down 15 lbs. since this time last year. It's not a great change, but it is trending in the right direction. I think changing from tamoxifen to letrozole definitely helped. I went on the Ideal Protein diet last fall and was able to take off 15 lbs. during the holidays. I was thrilled because when I was on tamoxifen, it didn't matter what I tried, I could not lose 1 stinkin' pound.

I still have a long way to go. You might be wondering why I didn't stick with Ideal Protein. The truth is, I was not losing weight as quickly as they would have liked. I was losing about 1/2 - 1 lb. per week, and I was happy with that rate. But they wanted me to lose 3 lbs. per week and were getting a little irritated that I kept coming in every week and wasn't making more progress.

So, I stopped going for weigh ins (which always made me feel horrible), and I stopped buying their food. I've been "winging it" since the first of the year. I haven't gained any more weight and my doctor said I was down 3 lbs. since my last checkup in December.

And basically, that's where I am today. I am still miserable being this overweight. And I feel lousy reading that post from last year knowing I haven't made any significant changes or progress toward my goal weight.

It's really time for me to step up and make some changes. I can no longer use menopause or my cancer treatments as an excuse to live a healthy lifestyle.

Day 773 - The Person I Used To Be

Several people have asked me if life returns to "normal" after breast cancer treatment. I wish I could say "yes" but I would be lying. When I was going through chemo, radiation and recovering from my surgeries, I used to get really down and exclaim: I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!

It's so hard to go from being an active, healthy person to someone with cancer. It sucks. Big time. Now that most of my treatment is over, I have gotten my life back but it's very different.

I remember telling a friend about my diagnosis and what lay ahead. She was very encouraging and upbeat. She did her best to bolster my spirits but I distinctly remember saying: "I sure hope I recognize myself by the time all these doctors get done with me."

Life before cancer - active, healthy, 130 lbs.

Fast forward two years later and I do not recognize myself. I went from being fit and active to being this big, lethargic blob. I went from being able to wear cute clothes to having to buy plus-size, elastic waist everything. I used to wear high heels. Now I can barely walk without tripping, teetering or stumbling. I used to work out, lift weights, climb mountains and run. Now it's all I can do to walk around the neighborhood once a day trying desperately to get in 10,000 steps (I'm not even close).

Don't get me wrong - I am grateful to be alive and done with treatment. But this journey has definitely taken its toll on me. Weight gain, lethargy, brain fog, instant menopause, irritability, neuropathy in my feet... All these things have turned me into someone I do not recognize. And I miss the person I used to be. I want my life back!

Post cancer - fat and unhappy

The first step toward getting my life back - or at least some part of it - is to lose this damn weight. I have never really been an overweight person so the 50 lbs. I have gained over the last two years has thrown me for a loop. I don't know how heavy people can be happy. My hat is off to them. I can't do it. I know that everyone says you have to be kind to yourself and accept yourself. I can't. I know what it's like to be thin and active. There is absolutely nothing acceptable about this fat life. Nothing at all.

I can't do much about cancer. It's either coming back or it's not. But I can do something about this weight. I know that if I can get control of my eating and drinking, if I can lose these 50 lbs. - I will have a BIG part of my life back.

And that would make me VERY happy.

So my blog is going to take a turn in a different direction. It's going to look more like a weight loss journal and less like a cancer survivor blog. I'll still talk about cancer survivorship and things that I'm experiencing. But starting this week - it's all about my weight loss and getting my life back.

Day 747 of 1825 - Two Years Done!

This month marks two years post-treatment for me. Two years on tamoxifen with three more years of hormonal therapy.

The plan has always been to start on tamoxifen and then switch to an aromatase inhibitor. During my six-month checkup with my oncologist today, she did just that. I start letrozole (brand name Femara) tomorrow. All the research indicates better survival rates on letrozole than tamoxifen. Some research is now suggesting women should take hormonal therapy for 10 years instead of 5. I'm not ready to contemplate that just yet. Let me make it five years cancer-free and then we'll talk.

If you've ever wondered what 24 months of tamoxifen looks like, here are 24 bottles of tamoxifen lined up on my dresser - stretching from one end to the other. Yes, I've saved them all. Every empty bottle has felt like a feather in my cap. Why do I suddenly feel the urge to sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?" haha!

I guess the most difficult part of these past two years has been the weight gain - 40 lbs. in two years. That's a lot of extra weight especially since I was already carrying an extra 10 lbs. when I started treatment.

But I'm not going to worry about the weight gain today. As a matter of fact, I am not going to worry about ANYTHING today. I just hit my two year mark and I feel pretty good.

Obviously, letrozole has it's side effects - mainly bone and joint pain. I have friends who have taken it and said the pain wasn't that bad. They said it was more of a nuisance than anything and they took Advil to control it. I have also had friends who simply couldn't tolerate it. I'm hoping I can deal with it and just move on.

On to Year Three!

Day 691 of 1825 - Two Years Post Hysterectomy

This was me two years ago today. Well... not me exactly. But this is what I was having done - a total hysterectomy via DaVinci Robotic Device as the last step in my treatment protocol.

Of all the procedures I went through - core needle biopsies, lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy, chemo and radiation - my hysterectomy was the hardest. To this day I am still feeling the effects.

And I don't like it.

I realize that menopause is a natural state for women as we age. It's not a disease and it's certainly nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. But when you hit menopause instantly rather than letting your body transition in its own good time, the changes can be very hard to handle. At least, that has been my experience.

I don't want to sound like a complainer here. Menopause is better than cancer any day! But I will be 50 years old in just five days and I feel terrible. I feel like an old woman. An old, FAT woman.

I have neglected this blog for a variety of reasons. Mainly, I am very dissatisfied with my new "normal." I am out of shape, forgetful and more nervous about a cancer recurrence than I was about my initial diagnosis.

I wish I could report that my life returned to normal and everything is wonderful but that would be a lie. There are many wonderful things about my life, and I am very grateful! But my life is not what it was. And it is still not what I hoped it would be once I finished my treatments.

I continue to take tamoxifen every morning. As you can see from my countdown, I am about 38% through my 5 years of hormonal therapy. My next appointment with my oncologist is in June - two years after starting tamoxifen. We'll evaluate how I'm doing and decide whether or not to switch to an aromatase inhibitor. I know these drugs are not a walk in the park either.

So I have decided that during this 50th year of my life, I need to really take some serious action to get myself to a place where I am happy, healthy and less anxious. I've read my previous posts and they all say the same thing but I've done nothing about it. I am definitely in a rut and I want OUT!

One thing I did earlier this year was consult with a local cancer survivorship program. They have support group meetings, free yoga classes, all kinds of events and lectures -- everything I need to help me rebuild my life after cancer. They also recommended a licensed clinical therapist who specializes in cancer survivorship.

I made an appointment and will see her on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! Nothing like seeing a therapist on your 50th birthday. ha!

I will try to do a better job of posting some updates. I realize there are very few of you (if any) who read this blog. That's okay. It's meant to be my own way of documenting my recovery and (hopefully) survival.

Either way, it's time for me to stop ignoring the fact that I had cancer and start reclaiming my life.

Day 513 of 1825

I received a nice email from someone who had read my blog and thanked me for sharing my experience. She said it made her feel less alone on this journey we call breast cancer treatment. Her email really meant a lot to me and prompted me to update my blog.

So how are YOU doing? I hope all is well on your side of the universe, wherever you happen to be.

As for me, life goes on but certainly not without its challenges. My greatest challenge is trying overcome my fear and anxiety about recurrence. I feel as though I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's not a good feeling.

I asked a friend who went through breast cancer treatment before I did how she overcomes this nagging fear. She said that she just reminds herself that she didn't go through the surgery, the chemo and the radiation so that she could live her days in fear. No -- she went through all that CRAP so she wouldn't have to live her days in fear. Makes sense to me. And I continually have to remind myself of this fact all the time.

I also have another friend who said she would repeat to herself: "I don't have cancer today. I don't have cancer today." Because unless you get the diagnosis from your doctor, today is a perfectly HEALTHY day.

Those are two techniques I use quite often. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't.

I am currently on a schedule of getting my mammogram once a year again like a "normal" woman. haha! And my oncology visits have been cut back from four times a year to twice a year. I was supposed to have my mammogram this month but couldn't get in on time. So it's a little delayed. That has me nervous - of course. Why didn't I do a better job of scheduling it in advance? Geez! My next oncology appointment is in December.

I guess my biggest challenge right now (besides the fear and anxiety), is the toll my treatment has taken on my body. By that I mean weight gain. I gained about 30 lbs. during my treatment and following my hysterectomy in April 2012. I feel like a whale. The hot flashes suck, too. But compared to cancer, I am not complaining.

I have decided that one of the best ways for me to fight my fear and anxiety is to develop some sense of control over my situation. For those of us who have been down this path, we know that we cannot control very much in life. But there are some steps we can take to help us feel more in control and I am referring to lifestyle changes. Mainly diet, exercise and some kind of spiritual or meditative practice.

Here is what I know for sure:

• I know that eating sugar is bad for me. Cancer loves sugar.
• I know that drinking alcohol is bad for me. Women have a 35% higher incidence of recurrence when they drink alcohol, even just one glass of wine a day.
• I know that being overweight is also bad for me. Fat cells produce estrogen and my cancer fed on estrogen. Leaner women have a lower incidence of recurrence.
• I know that being sedentary is bad for me. Women who regularly work out and get their heart rates up in their target zone have much better survival rates than those who are sedentary.

Armed with all this knowledge, you would think that I would have given up the sugary treats, stopped drinking wine, started eating healthier and smaller portions and started working up a sweat every day.

But I haven't. And I cannot tell you why.

I feel guilty about almost everything I eat or drink. It's too sugary, it's too much, I shouldn't be drinking this glass of wine... blah, blah, blah.

Every time I get on the scale or have to buy a larger size, I chastise myself for not losing the chemo weight. I know that women who are overweight are at risk for recurrence not to mention the fact that my love life is suffering (that's another story!). Just lose this damn weight already!

So while I feel a certain sense of accomplishment for having made it through my treatment, I am still not where I want to be. I kept telling myself during my treatment that I just wanted to be healthy. I wanted my life back. I guess I still do.

Day 289 of 1825

I was at my quarterly oncology check up last week and realized that I have reached another milestone toward survival. One year ago on March 5, I completed all my treatments for breast cancer. I remember how excited I was to wrap up treatments last year. How could I possibly let that "anniversary" slip by like any other day this year?

It's easy. I have gotten on with my life. I have been very busy filling my days with things that I love to do, seeing people I love to see and generally just trying to squeeze every drop of goodness out of every single day.

One of my more exciting endeavors started in January. We do not have any yoga studios on my side of town. I decided that I was tired of driving over 15 miles each way to take yoga classes. And yoga is a big part of my life. I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands and open my own yoga studio and Avani Yoga Studio was born.

Keep in mind, I have a regular 8 to 5 day job which I love. But I love yoga, too. And I just had this passion to start a yoga community in my neighborhood. We offer three classes a week at a local preschool. I have two great yoga instructors. I am taking 2 or 3 classes each week (yay!) and have met a lot of great people along the way.

The interest level is very good so I have decided to go ahead and set up my business as an LLC and look for a permanent retail space for the studio. My goal is to have a place up and running no later than September 1, 2013. More to come!

As for cancer -- it never leaves my thoughts for very long. How can it when I take a tamoxifen every morning? But I don't worry about cancer like I used to. Of course, as it get closer to my quarterly checkups, I do tend to worry a little depending on how I feel. But generally speaking, I try to keep it in the rearview mirror.

And maybe that's why I haven't been such a great blogger. But I will try to do better!

Let's Catch Up!

My gosh... I cannot believe it has been so long since I last updated this blog. I have been thinking about an update but just haven't made the time to sit down and post. I guess I keep thinking that the busier I get, the less I will think about cancer and the more "normal" my life will become.

Wrong.

As anyone who has received a cancer diagnosis will tell you - the thought of cancer never goes away. But in my case, it is definitely starting to fade. And I like that!

There are so many things I need to report. And it's all good.

In late October I organized a group of co-workers and family members to walk in the American Cancer Society "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" event. We raised almost $3,000 and had a gorgeous fall day for our walk. Here's a picture of our team:

My co-workers and their families at our cancer walk in October

Thanksgiving was quite special because I was not undergoing any cancer treatment, I had hair and I had enough energy and enthusiasm to actually cook a traditional dinner. My BFF Carolyn came up from Florida with her boyfriend Georg. The four of us has a fantastic long weekend playing golf, eating, drinking, laughing and just generally enjoying life. Who could ask for anything more?

Georg, Carolyn, me and Barry after golf

Enjoying the local wine bar

Now that all the debauchery of Thanksgiving is behind me, I have turned my attention toward my eating habits. For months (years) I have thought about my eating habits in connection with my weight. Now I am thinking about my eating habits in connection with my overall health.

Do I want to lose weight? Oh hell yeah. I have gained about 30 lbs. since my diagnosis and it is not coming off easily. It is not coming off at all. I thank my hysterectomy, tamoxifen, instant menopause, overeating and a sedentary lifestyle for my inability to lose weight.

Right now, I am more concerned with eating high quality, nutritionally sound meals. I recently downloaded an app to my iPhone called 21 Day Vegan Kickstart. The recipes are simple and fantastic. I do not miss meat or dairy at all. I will admit that I add one meal a week of fish or shellfish. Other than that, I am going completely vegan. I still weigh the same but I feel SO much better. Check it out their website here.

In medical news, I had a check up with my oncologist in early December. I asked her to run a test to make sure that I am metabolizing tamoxifen correctly. She ran the test and I am considered an "efficient metabolizer." That eased my mind. I really am not having many side effects (if any) from tamoxifen so I was worried that my body wasn't using it correctly.

Now I don't see my oncologist again until March. I have Christmas, New Year's, a trip to Florida to visit my father and sister and a vacation planned to Nag's Head, NC planned. Lots of fun times ahead. No time to worry about cancer!

All Is Right With The World

I have never been one to experience "runner's high" or the rush of endorphins that so many people mention when they talk about exercise. I know a lot of people who absolutely cannot start their day without a morning workout.

I am not one of those people.

But lately, I am feeling really good. It seems like ever since I received the all clear on my MRI and mammogram, I have started to feel like I am getting my life back. I am not running from one doctor appointment to another. I have hair that can actually be styled. And I have energy.

As you can see from my side bar on the right, I started working out last week. I have not been perfect but that's okay. I have a job that keeps me pretty busy with community meetings, conferences and overnight travel. It's not a Monday through Friday, 9 to 5 job, so I have realized that my exercise routine needs to be scheduled in where ever it happens to fit. Sometimes I can do it in the morning. Other times, I need to leave work by 5 PM and do it before dinner. The key for me is flexibility and it seems to be working in my favor.

Another key for me is my iPad. I love the TV show "Damages" and watch it on Netflix on my iPad on days when I do cardio. It really makes the time fly and I look forward to my workout because I want to see the next episode.

On days where I split my hour between cardio and strength training, my husband and I workout together. He gets on the treadmill for 30 minutes while I lift weights, then we switch. We did that last night and it worked out great.

My next goal is to incorporate yoga. I have looked into a couple of studios that have a good weekend schedule. If I can add just one class a week, that would make me VERY happy.

So far, so good.

Thanks for checking in with me!

Getting Back On The Horse

No. Not this horse... Although that would be fun!

I am talking about getting back on the workout horse. I have been off for quite awhile. It's time for me to saddle up and get going.

To help hold myself accountable, I added my planned workouts for the rest of this week and next week on the side bar. I will cross them off as I complete them.

My plan may be a bit ambitious but honestly, I have to get into the habit of doing something - ANYTHING - every day. Consistency is key. I may not be able to take a full 45 minutes on the treadmill, but I am going to try.

My plan is to do some cardio every day. I am so out of shape and out of breath. I really need it. I plan to do a total body strength training workout just two days a week. Eventually, I would like to work up to my old routine which was a full body strength training workout three days a week or split body workout (upper, lower, core) four days a week.

I also want to add some yoga into the mix. I love, love, love yoga but unfortunately, I do not have a studio near my house. The closest studio where I can drop in for bikram yoga is about 20 miles away. Another studio that offers hatha and vinyasa is about 15 miles away. I am reserving the weekends for yoga.

That's my plan. Wish me luck and GIDDYUP!

Second Mammogram and MRI

I had my second mammogram and MRI in a year (one every six months after my diagnosis). My results came back perfectly clear. My radiologist told me that I do not have to come back until NEXT YEAR!

I will continue to do my own self exams but for the most part, I am going to forget about "the girls" until next October.

Bring on all the pink stuff. This year, I can take it.

I'm Still Here

Thank you for continuing to check in with me even though I have not been keeping my blog up to date. I'm still here and things are good. I had a checkup with my oncologist yesterday. This was my rescheduled appointment from the one I blew off back in July.

When we met, my doctor was not very concerned that I "forgot" my appointment this past summer. She said that is usually a sign that a patient is feeling pretty good and just wants to get on with life. That about sums up where my head is at these days. Still, I realize that it's very important that I keep up with my regular checkups so I scheduled my next one for December.

I really don't have much news to report. I feel good, my hair is growing back nicely and I can feel the effects of chemo brain starting to subside. The only issue I am having at this time is my inabililty to lose weight. But if I am going to be completely honest here, I have also had an inability to actually WORK at losing this weight. So I really have no one to blame but myself.

I definitely need to make some lifestyle changes. I used to be pretty good about exercising regularly. I was usually in the gym at least 5 days a week doing a combination of cardio, strength training and yoga. I used to take spin classes and Pilates classes. That was when I worked for Florida Power & Light and we used to have a fantastic gym right in our building.

Still, I have no excuses because we do have a finished attic in our house which we've outfitted as a pretty decent home gym. Nice treadmill, weight bench, weights and dumbbells. I also have a TV with DVD player - for all those P90X DVDs I never watch.

You get the idea. I have no excuses. I need to get my butt in gear.

My plan is to slowly evolve this blog from cancer survival to healthy lifestyle. I will continue to talk about cancer just because it is definitely top of mind for me. But my plan is to also sprinkle in a little bit more about my life in general because honestly - I get tired of talking about cancer all the time and complaining about my menopausal metabolism.

My next big appointment is Monday afternoon. Six month mammogram and MRI.

Much  more to come!

Shut Up and Climb

I just caught up with Mandi at Darn Good Lemonade and Carol at Paw Paw Salad. Mandi talked about her love of rock climbing (yes!) and Carol posted a picture of a painting which she bought that is especially meaningful to her. It made me think of these pictures from a trip I took to Utah in 2002.


Not sure I can do this -- my first time rock climbing.

On my way up and figuring out my next move.

When I look at this picture, I think - if I can do this - I can ANYTHING!


Rock climbing in Snow Canyon

I did it!

This pictures remind me of what my life used to be like -- I want my life back.

Long Weekend, Long Post

Happy Labor Day Weekend to my friends here in the U.S.! We've earned an extra day off -- I am sure of that!

I am not sure where to start. I have a feeling this is going to be a VERY long post. Please bear with me.

First, I am feeling fine. I have absolutely no physical complaints except that I am FAT. Yes, FAT. I gained about 20 extra pounds while undergoing chemo last year. Those 20 lbs. piled on top of the 10 lbs. that I wanted to lose even before my diagnosis add up to me being about 30 lbs. overweight. It's not a pretty sight.

Then I had my hysterectomy and oopherectomy. I am in menopause thanks to the chemo and my surgery in April. My metabolism -- which has always managed to be pretty speedy on its own -- has now slammed into a brick wall.

I cannot lose a pound to save my life. And it just might be all about saving my life.

I know that carrying extra weight and bodyfat is not good for someone who had cancer. My cancer was estrogen-positive. Did you know that even after you have your ovaries removed, your body still manufactures and stores estrogen in your adipose (FAT) tissues? It's true.

So my main focus in life (besides my job and marriage) is to lose weight and gain muscle. Easier said than done.

One thing I am really learning about myself now that I have completed all my treatments is that my life is WAY out of balance. I really do not make time for myself. I love my job and tend to work a nice, full 9 hour day - many days I work more hours. I don't care -- I love what I do.

But when you work like I do, that leaves very little time for taking care of oneself.

I do not workout. I set my alarm for an hour before I normally get up thinking that I will get on the treadmill and walk but that never happens. I am just too tired thanks to the sleeping pill I am on due to menopause insomnia. So I roll over and hit the snooze and no calories are burned.

Then I go to work and sit behind a desk all day. I love what I do so much that I rarely take a lunch. Sometimes I will grab a bite to eat but usually end up eating it at my desk. And God forbid it is a day when I have a meeting during lunch. In comes the Southern "comfort" food -- the BBQ, the cornbread, the potatoes and chocolate cake. MYGOD. It is impossible for me to resist the good old Southern comfort food.

And even if I have a good day of eating, I get home and I am tired. I just want to unwind. So I open a bottle of wine and down two glasses without even thinking about it. But it does feel GOOD. I can relax, kick back and enjoy my evening (of doing nothing - no working out, no yoga, no sex).

So yes, I am feeling fine physically. But I obviously have a long way to go in the work/life balance department.

I won't even get into the emotional wreck I have been since having my hysterectomy. I hate using hormones as an excuse for bad behavior but I must admit that I feel like I have PMS every single day. If I am not overly sad and morose, I am angry, irritated and frustrated.

Those are not good emotions to have on daily basis. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that you can lose friends and possibly end up divorced if you keep those emotions going every day.

So yeah, life kinda sucks right now. And I feel guilty for saying it because I have been through the "worst." I have had the surgeries and chemo and radiation. Life should be a breeze right now.

Anyway - thanks to those of you who have checked in with me and left me comments. It's nice to know I am not alone in this weird "post-treatment" funk. I am sure it will get better. I just need to figure it out, I guess.

That Voice in Your Head Is Not the Real YOU!

I haven't been the best blogger lately. I have been too busy, too tired, in a funk, out of town... the list goes on and on. But I am back at it today and I am trying to figure out where to start.

I guess we should start with "the funk..."

Somehow, during the past six or eight weeks, I have had some very morbid thoughts creeping into my head. I have thought that perhaps I am not going to survive this experience. I have been almost resigned to the fact that my breast cancer is going to come back and I won't make it.

This is no way to live life. I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment but I just couldn't seem to do it on my own.

I finally started to pull out of my funk yesterday after I watched this episode on the Oprah Winfrey Network. My sister recommended it to me and it was a real life saver. (Thanks, P!) It is a conversation with author Michael Singer who talks about separating the voice in your head from the real you. What an eye opening conversation! If you are struggling with negative thoughts, constant worry or just need a little jolt of positivity, check out this episode.

I will keep this post brief... but more to come!

The Dangers of Alcohol and ER Positive Breast Cancer

Enjoying my glass of wine - June 2012

I was reading Debbie's blog the other day and one post really caught my attention. She wrote about her recent "A Ha Moment" regarding her diet and how she had let it slip into her "pre-cancer casualness." I could definitely relate.

When I was first diagnosed, I went out and bought a Breville Juicer just like Kris Carr and read her books "Crazy Sexy Diet" and "Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor." I learned how important it is to create an alkaline environment in your body. Cancer doesn't like alkalinity. Cancer LOVES acidic environments. And what contributes to acidity? Well, all the good stuff I love to eat and drink - of course! The list includes animal products (especially red meat), sugary foods (including white starches), caffeine and alcohol.

But alcohol is the topic that really caught my attention in Debbie's post. She enjoys her wine -- just like me. And what's the problem with a little red wine in the evening? It's good for your heart, right?

Well, if you have (or had) ER+ breast cancer like me (and like Debbie), alcohol increases the risk of recurrence by 90%! And if you have not had breast cancer, it increases your chances of one day developing breast cancer by 40%.

Those are some big numbers.

I was never what I would call a "heavy" or "regular" drinker in my 20's and 30's. I used to drink beer and only on the weekends. I never had issues with breast health. My mammograms were clear. I never had any lumps or cysts.

That all changed in my 40's. Somewhere along my journey through life, I started drinking wine and enjoying it very much. I would routinely have one or two glasses at least four nights a week. Suddenly my mammograms would come back abnormal. I developed cysts including one large fibroadenoma when I was 42. And then I developed breast cancer.

No one can say for sure what caused my breast cancer. But I am sure about one thing -- I need to give up wine if I want the best chance possible for avoiding a recurrence.

Want more information about the dangers of ER+ breast cancer and alcohol? Read Recipe for Disaster: Alcohol and Estrogen-Positive Breast Cancer by Dr. Kathleen Ruddy, a breast cancer surgeon and leading advocate for eradicating breast cancer.

Comments on Comments:

Mandi - Lately I have been focusing on "getting my life back" and that includes eating and drinking the same way I did before my cancer diagnosis. I agree with you - life is short and we should definitely enjoy it. But I just won't enjoy my wine the way I used to before breast cancer and before reading Dr. Ruddy's article. A 90% chance of recurrence? No glass of wine is worth it (JMHO).

Catherine - I was planning to blog about this very eye-opening article when I read it on Debbie's blog a few days ago. You bring up a really good point about how many women did not follow through with taking their hormone therapy (tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitor) for five years. After all we have been through, what's one little pill once a day? I am not having any major side effects from tamoxifen so it makes it a lot easier for me to take it every day. I suppose if I was having bone and joint pain, I might not feel the same way.

Denial - It's Not a River in Egypt

For the past month or so, I have been living in denial. Big time. I didn't realize this until I missed an oncology appointment on July 18. I basically just blew it off. I had something going on at work and completely "forgot" about my doctor appointment. If that isn't denial, I don't know what is.

And here's another clue that I am in denial. I am still eating meat and drinking wine just like I was before my diagnosis. In my head I know that I need to cut out the acidic animal products and alcohol. I know that I need to eat more veggies and drink green juices. I even have a $200 Breville Juicer collecting dust on a shelf in my kitchen.

After all that I have been through, why am I behaving this way?

According to Wikipedia, denial is a defense mechanism "in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence."

There are three types of denial: simple denial, minimization and projection. I definitely fall into the category of minimization which is admitting a fact ("Yes, I had breast cancer.") but denying its seriousness ("It was caught early. I had chemo. I feel fine. I will be fine...").

The truth is, I had breast cancer. And if I want to avoid a recurrence or another breast cancer, I need to pull my head out of the sand and get serious.

In my mind, "getting serious" means:

• Eliminating alcohol.
• Going vegan.
• Exercising at least 3 hours per week.
• Meditating every day.
• Taking yoga classes.
• Drinking green juices every day.

And that's just for starters.

Comments on Comments:

Catherine - Thank you for being the first to follow my new blog! I hope you are recovering from your recent reconstruction surgery. Yes, a long road ahead for sure but I think the worst is behind us.

Mandi - Hi there! Thanks for following me over here. We are not at 29 years yet - just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary. As I was writing my anniversary card to my husband, I told him that now I understand what "in sickness and in health" really means.

Evelyne - Girl! How are you? I hope you are doing well and enjoying life. Thanks for stopping by to leave me a comment. How do you like my "Comments on Comments" section? Does it look familiar? haha!

Liz - Thank you for finding my blog. I just popped over to read yours and yes, we do have some similarities in our breast cancer experiences. You look wonderful with short hair! I hope you are feeling well and taking your tamoxifen every day. I will continue reading your blog to get caught up.

Day 1 of 1825

When I was a kid growing up in the 70's, I used to babysit for a young couple that lived in our neighborhood. This couple had a poster hanging in their bedroom which read, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." The poster meant nothing to me as a teenager. Who cares about the rest of your life? I just wanted to get through high school and run away with my welder boyfriend go away to college.
Fast forward 35 years and that saying now means a whole lot more to me. It's still a cliche, and even a little sappy. But it is true.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis. I really don't care for the term "cancerversary." A cancer diagnosis is nothing to celebrate, but surviving the diagnosis is.
Today I embark on the next phase of my cancer experience - survival. Like many breast cancer survivors, I will be taking tamoxifen for the next five years with the sole purpose of preventing a recurrance. Today is Day 1 of 1825.

I want to be right here, updating this blog in five years. I have thought about some potential future posts that I hope to write:

• How I Lost All My Chemo Weight
• Another Year of Clean Scans
• Just Celebrated My 29th Wedding Anniversary!
• Enjoyed Another Fabulous Vacation This Year
• June 1, 2017 - Five Years and NO CANCER!

I have learned there are absolutely no guarantees in life. But for the next five years, tamoxifen (or an aromatase inhibitor) will be my best friend. I intend to make many other lifestyle changes over to increase my odds of survival and I will write about them here.

Thanks for reading.

I Need to Pace Myself

Here I am -- post-cancer treatments and post-surgery. I have my life back and I have hair. But there is one small problem. I need to pace myself.

I find myself wanting to do it all and right now. I want to power through every project at work just to show everyone that I'm back. I want to visit friends, attend art festivals, re-start my Masters degree program, take a romantic vacation and join a yoga studio. And let's not forget about working out, eating right and losing some weight.

Perhaps I am too greedy because my life has been essentially on hold for the past 12 months. I missed all those things last year while I was hooked up to an IV and feeling rather lousy. I need to get over this impatient, greedy phase and slow down because I am getting a little stressed and overwhelmed. The last thing I want to do is invite cancer back into my body. No thank you!

I really need to step back and keep reminding myself that small, consistent changes can lead to big results. I don't need to take on more than I can reasonably handle. And I don't need to do it all today.

Recovering Nicely

No matter how it's done, a hysterectomy is major surgery. And while I chose the da Vinci robotic procedure which boasts minimal down time and pain, believe me when I say there is still plenty of down time and pain. I started to feel pretty good one week post op so I got online to work from home. Big mistake.

My abdomen swelled up and my incisions started oozing. Not good. I decided to lay down and take the rest of the week off. That was the right thing to do. Now I am almost three weeks post op and feeling much, much better. I still need to listen to my body and lay down to rest when I need to.

I have my follow up appointment on June 5. My plan is to ease back into work, start walking about 20 to 30 minutes per day which my nurse said will help alleviate my swelling and just take it easy. I am a bit anxious to get this all behind me but I have to keep reminding myself what my body has been through this past year. I have been through a lot and I will not heal overnight.

I am doing well with my goal of getting outside to soak up some sun every day. So far our weather has been fantastic so I have been able to get out in the yard and "supervise" my husband's landscaping efforts. Our backyard has been the beneficiary of all my time off and also my husband's willingness to plant lots of new shrubs and perennials.

I have also lost about 4 lbs. since my surgery. I think this is just simple bloat going away. Whatever it is, I will take it.

Happy Saturday!

What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago today I wasn't feeling it. I had zero energy. I had trouble sleeping. And I absolutely could not lose 10 lbs. no matter what I tried. So I started this blog with a simple goal: improve my health by making gradual changes and hold myself accountable by documenting my progress.

Just a couple of weeks later, I felt a lump in my right breast... you know the rest of the story.

To recognize the one year anniversary of my blog, I could write a post that reflects on all the biopsies, surgeries, and unpleasant chemo and radiation therapy. But who wants to read that garbage? It's old and tired. I prefer to focus on the future and what I want to accomplish over the next 12 months.

First on my agenda is my "Thank You Project." I want to take the month of May to personally thank everyone who offered their prayers, support and encouragement to me and my family. The list is long. My project could take more than one month to complete. But I would love to hit my one year "cancer-versary" on June 2 knowing that I thanked everyone who came to my emotional rescue.

Second, I will start making healthy lifestyle changes today. Two things I know about change:

• Small changes are easier for me to make. Over time, consistent small changes add up to big results.
• I find it is much easier for me to add healthy habits to my life than to eliminate unhealthy habits cold turkey. Eventually, the healthy habits will crowd out the unhealthy habits.

My healthy addition for May is to get at least 15 minutes of sunshine every day. My goal (weather permitting) is to sit outside, breathe deeply and let the sun deliver some much needed vitamin D to my body. How easy is that?!

What a difference a year makes.